totalreverie

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Sweet Silver Lining….

I’m going home
Downhearted and hoping
I’m close to some new beginning
I know
There’s a reason for everything
That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something is keeping me safe
And alive

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And
I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that I’ve found it
Nothing can take that away

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but
I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that
sweet silver lining

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Loving this song right now…

London’s Burning/Rioting….

The 2011 England riots are a series of public disturbances, lootings and arson attacks the earliest of which occurred in Tottenham, North London; others then
occurred elsewhere in London and in some other areas of England.

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kilimanjaro summit climb

Well….

I have decided that this is the last 30 of 30 challenges I want to set myself (see links at the top of the page if you don’t know what I am talking about).  I have wanted to do this for a a few years now and have never had the motivation or inspiration to get up and actually start organising it and actually get fit enough to do it.  We time to stop putting off till tomorrow.

I want to get a group of around 15 people together to complete this challenge.  I have a few ideas of who I want to get involved in this so watch this space 🙂

This climb will be done to raise money for World Vision.

Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

Behind every girl’s favorite song is an untold story….

Come undone……………

Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life” – Virginia Woolf

Somethin’ Stupid….

I thought I would share what I love to do.  I know this is only a dream but photography is my passion. These are a few photographs from Glasgow, New York, Las Vegas and Toronto.

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Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

“We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving. And we all have some power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing” –  Louisa May Alcott

My messy little rain drops…

Tonight was the first time since that night in 1999 where I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world. I went out for a run and it was raining a little bit, I had my music blaring in my ear dums and my feet pounding the pavements and the heavens opened up and I swear it was golf ball size drops of raining coming from all directions. My 10k was up and I was standing right outside my front door and I keep going. I kept running with the rain falling so hard on me my face was soaked and I wasn’t sure if it was from the tears in my eyes or the rain but I loved it. I felt like I could fly if I wanted to. If I could run like that forever I would.

Once again each day was a battle – to get out of bed, to get dressed, to function. My head is constantly filled with thoughts of not being “here”, as this is where I feel freedom will come. The thoughts of what will make the world ok are there all the time. It’s when you start to believe you’re over your issues they all come flooding back ten-fold. The world I live in was controlled by other people and the fucked up thoughts in my head.  Every move I make, everything I say is a consequence of listening to the chatter in my head.  Food and weight become a focus and everything else takes a back seat. The fact I can remember the amount of calories I ate 5 days ago, but I can’t remember where I put my car keys is alarming. The last time my life was this consumed I lost everything that I had worked for. Friends disappeared, full time university was no longer an option as I had missed so much of it and the once happy go-getting
Ashleigh has disappeared into oblivion.

At one point in my life I began to live on diet pills, water, and the occasional bit of food. (occasional being once every four days.) I was also taking laxatives. I was taking a pretty extreme cocktail twice to three times a day. I would take laxatives even on an empty stomach, and the pain of it was enough to keep me screaming and crying for at least half an hour. Then I would do it all over again. I did this for 10 years and yet only one person in my life knows about it.  That’s how invisible I am.  When everything else in your life is out of control you grab onto anything that you can control.

I was that girl that went to dance classes, gymnastics, played hockey, basketball with all the boys even though I was the shortest girl in the class.  On the outside my life seemed perfect but on the inside I was dying.

1999

I have no memories of my life before the age of 7 which is why I say that from that age my life has not been what I expected.  I’m not sure if the reason for this is that I don’t want to have them or I really just don’t remember.  My life wasn’t all princesses and fairytales like it should be at that age.  Kids take on the responsibilities the adults don’t want to face or aren’t capable of facing and I’ve very sure that my family members would have a different account to events that I do but it appears to me the one who would remember would be the one who wasn’t intoxicated.

My father was an alcoholic and in my opinion any mother who does not take her child out that situation but enables and joins in is just as bad. My life consisted of lying awake in bed listening to arguments and shouting about how I was a failure and my father giving my mother an ultimatum to choose her child or him and in the end up she would always pick him.  All the while I am in my bedroom listening to these drunken arguments. I would stay away till 3/4am until everything went silent and sneek out my room to make sure everything was turned off and no one was dead before I would get a few hours sleep before school.  Ambulances would turn up at our house to collect my father who had called claiming he had chest pains and this went on for year.  Around 6 years ago he was admitted to ICU with Acute pancreatitis and was told he could die at any moment if he ever drank again – give you one guess what he did the first night he got out of hospital.

My father never attended any of my school patents nights, dance shows, competitions, anything that would show me accomplish anything.  In our hall way we had a huge display cabinet that had medals and trophies that my sister had won and achieved at her dancing competitions and exams while mine was in my bedroom in a box under my bed so from an early age I was resolved to the fact that I was invisible and I was only taken along because there was no one to watch me while my sister went.

I have been resolved to the fact that I have not had a father for many many years so when he died last year I appeared like a heartless bitch as I did not shed one tear for him.  I have let him make my life hell for my entire life and I was not sad.  People could not understand why and kept saying regardless of what has happened he was still your father.  Regardless does not erase my life.  Regardless does not erase the noise in my head. Regardless does not erase the fact that as a child I did not dream of my father walking me down the aisle or dancing with him at my wedding like every little girl does.  Regardless does not erase me having to put two grown adults to bed every night of the week at 7 years old.

For those of you who have read my previous post this is what I really should have written before that.  I’m searching to move past this crap as it seems like even though he is no longer he he still has this hold over my life.  I have found inspiration in Olivia (@BL11Olivia) and Hannah (@BL11Hannah) on doing things right rather than the way I have previously resorted to doing things.  I have went from one extream to the other from a UK size 4 to a size I am ashamed of and I need to take control.  There are so many things I want to do and I want to be.  My childhood dreams of becoming a firefighter was crushed when I went for the eye exam at 18 and found out I had a scratch on my pupil that had been there since childhood that should have been corrected but I was never taken for an eye exam. So its time to grab hold of my other hopes and dreams with both hands.

Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

Sometimes when you hold out for everything you walk away with nothing…

Life……

I wish I was here every day not just that day!

Life is either a darling adventure or nothing…..

No-one in my life knows the half of what I’ve been/going through and I’m very sure that this blog could be a lot more honest and I’m also sure that as the old saying goes “a problem shared is a problem halved” is true but whilst I am ready to share I’m not ready to share here as there are still people around me that do not need to know my life and let’s be honest no one really gives a shit!

Many things have happened to me over the years and I have let them happen, I have never fought back. As you can see from my first post since I was about 7 life has not went the way I expected/hoped/dreamed and I’ve done nothing to get it back on track. I’ve let my train wreck happen. Not any more. I’m done giving up. I’m done letting people walk all over me and I’m done not being noticed.

This is a moment that will count forever. Every hour, every minute, every second – it all matters. You can never get back that last second so why not live it smiling and laughing. No matter how many times your hurt and you cry make sure you pick yourself back up and find that smile.

This is something that I have learned over that past few months from two very inspirational young ladies – Olivia Ward and Hannah Curlee. Olivia is an American mezzo-soprano opera singer and the winner of season 11 of The Biggest Loser. Her teammate was her sister Hannah who placed second. Doing it for the girls and team purple! Olivia lost 129lbs (49.42%) and Hannah 120lbs (48.32%).

Hannah had Olympic dreams. As a competitive volleyball player in college, those dreams were dashed when she fell down stairs, breaking her back and ending her career. Being bed-ridden for weeks led to an overall feeling of defeat and out-of-control eating that became a habit over the years. In the end, at 248 pounds, Hannah found herself in a very bleak emotional place. “It was what those pounds did to me,” said Hannah. “I let them totally rob me of a life–of my smile, a laugh, relationships, who I really am.”

From the very first VT I saw of these two ladies they were completely in my heart and there were many many tears from week one till 21 of the show and no,  I don’t mean from those on the show I mean me! I needed to re-hydrate after episode!!!

I am in complete awe of these two gorgeous ladies and anyone who knows me will know that by that I don’t just mean gorgeous on the outside.  Hannah and Olivia are both courageous, funny, ambitious, motivated, the list goes on………. and I hope both Olivia and Hannah now know how amazing they are and have all the happiness in the world.

I’m so excited to follow their new journey and challenges they are setting for themselves.  I encourage everyone to visit their website at http://myfitspiration.com/

Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

“Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing,  you are perfect to me” – P!nk

Total Reverie

As I look on the inside I see the breaks, tears, and rips. I’m pretty sure I know where most of them came from now and I know they need to be fixed. I don’t like myself but I want to. I’ve never been good with the way my life has been headed since I was about 7 years old. I could see the path it was headed but who at that ago knows how to stop it. At 7 years old everything should be fairytales and glitter. It’s hard to find yourself when all you hear around you is broken records of criticism.

There are a lot of things that I want to do, that I can do, but have yet to find the courage to do.  A dream is just a dream until you go out and fight for it right?  As Wayne W Dyer said “Heaven on Earth is a choice you must make, not a place you must find.”    It’s scary to bet everything you have at a shot at what you really want but I guess anything worth having doesn’t come easy. 

Over the next 18 months I’m going on my “Eat, Pray, love” journey in the quests to go from total reverie to blissfully happy in reality. – I am realistic – I expect miracles!!

I’ve been inspired to take this journey by two very special people:  Both have been a part of my life for a number of years now however one more than the other as I’ve never actually met one of them – we all have our superhero’s right.  I am going to introduce you to my inspirations, the two people who have given me the courage, drive, determination and most of all inspiration to pursue my dreams and goals:

The first inspiration is my amazing cousin Misty Tyson.  Writer, Producer and Director.  She is the hardest working, most down to earth person I know.  She makes me smile every time I see her.  She is smart (but not at the math, she’s too pretty to do maths), funny, beautiful,  creative, caring…. my list Mistykins is endless!

I am so proud of what she had done and is doing in her life, she is so talented and has worked so hard and honestly to get to where she is and where she is going to I know she will achieve all her goals and dreams and I can’t wait to watch her along the way.

Her dedication to her career and goals is inspirational.  

Now to find her a Prince that will treat her like the Princess she is…..

My next superhero inspiration is Kelly Ripa.  She is the hardest working person I have NEVER met!  Kelly manages her marriage, insanely busy career, her rockin’ body and parenting three beautiful children.   I am in awe of just how she manages to balance all of this and stay grounded, focused and with a sense of humour intact.

Kelly puts a smile on the face of millions of people every morning on “Live with Regis and Kelly” or in my case around 9pm at night when host chat goes online as we aren’t lucky enough to get it here.  Everyone who has meet Kelly has said she is the same person on and off camera and that is a rare thing to find these days.

I admire her motivation, determination, family values, work ethics, her sense of self – I just over all admire Kelly Ripa and who she is.  

I am taking the inspiration of these two amazing beautiful ladies and fighting to reach my dreams of becoming a soulographer and photojournalist.  In this blog I will post and talk about things that inspire me and make me laugh as well as my up’s and down’s along the way to achieving my dreams.

My wishes for this journey are: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss my lips, sunsets to warm my heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for my eyes to see, friendships to brighten my being, faith so that I can believe, confidence for when I doubt, courage to know myself, patience to accept the truth and Love to complete my life.

Peace, Love and Strength

Ash

xxx

“The future depends on what we do in the present.” -Mahatma Gandhi…