My messy little rain drops…
Tonight was the first time since that night in 1999 where I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world. I went out for a run and it was raining a little bit, I had my music blaring in my ear dums and my feet pounding the pavements and the heavens opened up and I swear it was golf ball size drops of raining coming from all directions. My 10k was up and I was standing right outside my front door and I keep going. I kept running with the rain falling so hard on me my face was soaked and I wasn’t sure if it was from the tears in my eyes or the rain but I loved it. I felt like I could fly if I wanted to. If I could run like that forever I would.
Once again each day was a battle – to get out of bed, to get dressed, to function. My head is constantly filled with thoughts of not being “here”, as this is where I feel freedom will come. The thoughts of what will make the world ok are there all the time. It’s when you start to believe you’re over your issues they all come flooding back ten-fold. The world I live in was controlled by other people and the fucked up thoughts in my head. Every move I make, everything I say is a consequence of listening to the chatter in my head. Food and weight become a focus and everything else takes a back seat. The fact I can remember the amount of calories I ate 5 days ago, but I can’t remember where I put my car keys is alarming. The last time my life was this consumed I lost everything that I had worked for. Friends disappeared, full time university was no longer an option as I had missed so much of it and the once happy go-getting
Ashleigh has disappeared into oblivion.
At one point in my life I began to live on diet pills, water, and the occasional bit of food. (occasional being once every four days.) I was also taking laxatives. I was taking a pretty extreme cocktail twice to three times a day. I would take laxatives even on an empty stomach, and the pain of it was enough to keep me screaming and crying for at least half an hour. Then I would do it all over again. I did this for 10 years and yet only one person in my life knows about it. That’s how invisible I am. When everything else in your life is out of control you grab onto anything that you can control.
I was that girl that went to dance classes, gymnastics, played hockey, basketball with all the boys even though I was the shortest girl in the class. On the outside my life seemed perfect but on the inside I was dying.
I have no memories of my life before the age of 7 which is why I say that from that age my life has not been what I expected. I’m not sure if the reason for this is that I don’t want to have them or I really just don’t remember. My life wasn’t all princesses and fairytales like it should be at that age. Kids take on the responsibilities the adults don’t want to face or aren’t capable of facing and I’ve very sure that my family members would have a different account to events that I do but it appears to me the one who would remember would be the one who wasn’t intoxicated.
My father was an alcoholic and in my opinion any mother who does not take her child out that situation but enables and joins in is just as bad. My life consisted of lying awake in bed listening to arguments and shouting about how I was a failure and my father giving my mother an ultimatum to choose her child or him and in the end up she would always pick him. All the while I am in my bedroom listening to these drunken arguments. I would stay away till 3/4am until everything went silent and sneek out my room to make sure everything was turned off and no one was dead before I would get a few hours sleep before school. Ambulances would turn up at our house to collect my father who had called claiming he had chest pains and this went on for year. Around 6 years ago he was admitted to ICU with Acute pancreatitis and was told he could die at any moment if he ever drank again – give you one guess what he did the first night he got out of hospital.
My father never attended any of my school patents nights, dance shows, competitions, anything that would show me accomplish anything. In our hall way we had a huge display cabinet that had medals and trophies that my sister had won and achieved at her dancing competitions and exams while mine was in my bedroom in a box under my bed so from an early age I was resolved to the fact that I was invisible and I was only taken along because there was no one to watch me while my sister went.
I have been resolved to the fact that I have not had a father for many many years so when he died last year I appeared like a heartless bitch as I did not shed one tear for him. I have let him make my life hell for my entire life and I was not sad. People could not understand why and kept saying regardless of what has happened he was still your father. Regardless does not erase my life. Regardless does not erase the noise in my head. Regardless does not erase the fact that as a child I did not dream of my father walking me down the aisle or dancing with him at my wedding like every little girl does. Regardless does not erase me having to put two grown adults to bed every night of the week at 7 years old.
For those of you who have read my previous post this is what I really should have written before that. I’m searching to move past this crap as it seems like even though he is no longer he he still has this hold over my life. I have found inspiration in Olivia (@BL11Olivia) and Hannah (@BL11Hannah) on doing things right rather than the way I have previously resorted to doing things. I have went from one extream to the other from a UK size 4 to a size I am ashamed of and I need to take control. There are so many things I want to do and I want to be. My childhood dreams of becoming a firefighter was crushed when I went for the eye exam at 18 and found out I had a scratch on my pupil that had been there since childhood that should have been corrected but I was never taken for an eye exam. So its time to grab hold of my other hopes and dreams with both hands.
Peace, Love and Strength
Sometimes when you hold out for everything you walk away with nothing…